While the doctor explained the situation to me, my mind tried to open up to understand every word he was saying. He drew little pictures which I now know I misunderstood (he is the surgeon and I am the stunned wife with only Dr. Google to rely upon). We both were doing our best and I just wanted to see my husband but was assured it would be a little while as he was waking up in recovery. Were these all the answers to my questions about his disease? Never, but it would have to be enough for now.
What seemed like forever came to an end and I went up to the floor of this modern hospital and glanced out the windows when the elevator doors opened. The storm during the night had rattled the nearby hotel we had booked, but now the day looked bright and sunny. I was trying to hold on to the faith I profess and knew that God would make all things right when I surrendered to whatever His will might be. So the sunshine was a pleasant answer from Him–everything would happen as it was supposed to happen.
I saw my husband lying in a bed with tubes running here and there–the nose tube was the one that looked the most uncomfortable and it would be there for a while the nurse reassured me. It’s purpose was to drain out the mucus I guess. The catheter was collecting the urine and that bag was hanging on the far side of the bed. Better there than to be visible from the door and hall. At least there could be a little dignity for the patient that way. All this may seem pretty graphic for some of you, but that’s the way it is when a person is recovering from surgery. The room was huge and the bathroom was well stocked with toiletries and towels. (It was for my use as well and I would appreciate it for the night to come.) It would not be shower time for a while for this patient, but the nurses would let him know. Just sponging off for a few days would have to be okay for him.
The tubes running here and there were signs that he had just had major surgery, but the smile he managed told me he was fine. Faith and acceptance is his mantra.
That night was a nightmare with nurses running in an out, but I was happy to be at his side just because.
Whatever that doctor said to him in the first few days was lost in the fog of leftover anesthetic and I tried to remember everything I could. He is tough, but the most important thing to remember these days has been his handicap and most recent golf score…don’t ask him because he will deny that’s true. Maybe he doesn’t need to analyze every single word like I do because he accepts what God has in store is God’s business. What faith!
In my head and sitting at the table (uninvited) at meals with me, some unkind person is invading my space! It’s fair to say I have a resentment and I am letting this person take hold of my every thought and action. It is a sad state of affairs and I am ashamed that it has come to this point.
Deep down, I don’t really care what this person thinks or says but I can’t get over wanting to hear some form of apology for how I’ve been snubbed. Yes, that is stupid and narrow-minded and expecting one hell of a lot from another human being. I know we can’t all be aware of how important my feelings are! That is the baby in me…the selfish little child that refuses to let the world exist for its own self and not just for my benefit.
Sadly, I have learned to keep score. I have slipped back into old behavior that announces I am good and you have a lot to live up to. It is always a contest with me and no matter how much you do, it’s never enough! The balance sheet must be in my favor or you lose points.
I am very sorry to admit these sins..I am ashamed. I pray but God only gives me more challenges. That’s the point, but I miss the message every time. All the second chances go unheeded and so I have to go through the pain of self-hatred each time I fall into my old habits of resentments.
Someone told me once that Life is tough…so get a helmet. I need to accept those challenges and give up the resentments. Those free loaders that live in my mind are there because I let them stay there and keep repeating how they have been unkind to poor me. They should know better?? No, I should let them do whatever they need to do and I should forgive, ignore and be grateful that I understand that I am not the center of anyone’s universe but my own.
Life can be easier when I let go and invite God to remove the root of my resentments. Finding peace is a journey that takes discipline and right living. There is literally no room for hateful attitudes and self-centered behavior or thinking.
Today at least I recognize that pain as the resentment begins and if I want, I can work on overcoming it. How? Well, maybe with some loving thoughts about the person, I can find some peace of mind. Surely there is something good in each of us! I just need to look harder for the good and stop focusing on the bad.
This is what we are told…all men and women are created equal.
Then we begin to question why does the kid in the the slums do drugs and why does the kid in the suburbs go to private school! How can that be equal birthrights? What about the kid exposed to horrible disease in a third world county compared with the little royal prince whose world is pure paradise!
Does each human being born in this world have the same right to live a good life and enjoy peace and serenity? This theory may have to be taken deeper than the words themselves, deep into a spiritual world where each individual has that right to live beyond the material world and find joy and wholeness in a world protected by God (Whoever or Whatever that Higher Spirit may be).
It is essential to remember that people do have a choice to choose the path that feels full and secure. Yes, some have no guidance from uncaring parents. This often creates a vicious cycle and it is kept in motion by a sickness that is extremely difficult to break. The equality we are given at birth means there is an answer to the problem of this whirlwind cycle. Among the trapped individuals, this Special Power has sprinkled helpers into the world to give a helping hand to those who want to break the cycle.
The equality given as a birthright means everyone has the right to choose to break the cycle. All men are created with the ability to choose the right path, to live abundantly with peace of mind and to help his fellow man.
Those people born to wealth and abundant love sometimes choose a path of selfishness. Why? Not everyone wants to live along a path that requires gratitude and giving back so they attempt to get more and more just for their own use. It is the choice they make. They might believe they are not equal to others but far better than their fellow man. There are some of these people around…they have misunderstood what the promise of equality means.
Believe in equality and stay on your path by sharing your joy. Choose the right path and claim your birthright.
Enjoying the winter sun of Arizona, I am inspired by the Spring that is on the way. Although I am a midwesterner, this brief visit to the warmth of the desert fills me with a spirit of joy and serenity.
All my life I have complained about the snow and the damp cold of Missouri and now I fel released from those surroundings. Can I feel God more in the sunshine and cacti and sand! I truly need to work on my attitude if that’s the case. I need to feel Him in the cold, dark days of winter and in the heat and humidity of July. I know it is just my human mind that fails me.
Today I appreciate life and vow to slow down in the journey of life. I hope I can accept all days as gifts from God.
Sometimes you just might need to close your eyes at night and remember that you are not the one making the world go round…you might wish you were in charge because it would be easier to get your way and direct people to do what you want them to do or say the words you want to hear. Slow your roll and surrender. Taming the world is not your job.
Many people believe in God or a Power that is greater than their own human self. Some people don’t believe in anything and go through life struggling to adjust the world to their own desires. If you are one of these self-serving individuals, I have no answer for you, but if you believe in Something Greater, even a little, then there is hope for you.
I believe I am here to do my job. I think doing something like those 10 Commandments in some form or the other is a guide. Be nice, play fair and be thankful…accept Life with as much of a smile as I can muster, teach my children to do the same until they leave home and face this world as they see it, pray always with a grateful heart and know that He will make all things right when I surrender to His will. No where does it mean that I have to manage other people because that is not my job. I don’t have to pray that someone gets well because God has the person’s best interest planned. I do have to thank Him for being in charge of the situation and accept what He decides.
When you close your eyes at night, maybe slow your roll and ask your Someone special to take over.